Happy World Environment Day!

Recently, my parents returned an exciting surprise that I had created 22 years ago, confirming my green obsession officially began in 1992.

In honor of this day of caring for our planet and to make my 2nd grade dreams a reality, I’m officially publishing my work here for you beautiful people. Call it a throwBack Thursday present for y’all.

And Things Got Worse.

Didn’t I ever reveal that’s when I discovered my artistic talents and geography skills, too?

Despite mycompass, I have no idea why South America is directly below Europe.

In case you’re doubting how advanced I was for my ripe young age, please reference the publication page:

Anywho, this tale began with a clean earth in historical, pre-1992 times. Even the clouds, trees and sun smiled because everything was so pure. Little did we know, man was destroying trees with inventions like bikes, plastics and cars. Seriously, bikes are the worst.

But apparently the bikes weren’t murdering trees; instead the factories were: Call it carbon emissions to the extreme, covering the sun directly from their smoke stacks.

Apparently endangered tigers tried distracting the evil polluters by throwing children’s clothing in the bush. Definitely a diversion tactic so amazing that the sun hide too.

Animals went to extinct animal heaven once the humans killed them off. Most traumatizing to humankind were the salmons, trouts and condors. (What second grader has ever heard of a condor?)

When you didn’t think things could get worse, man invented oil. Giant men used gas factories to clone miniature versions of themselves.

But then men had a crazy idea to sail their oil around the globe. Apparently my feminist roots didn’t awaken for a few more years, or I was really exclusively blaming men.

Oil spills occurred by spilling over the ships. Heaven forbid we ever invented oil rigs or BP!

And when we do something, we do it big. More pollution, extinct animals and everything. Like pollution-creating bikes.

Much like Marco Rubio, Republicans and Sarah Palin, no one admitted to man-made climate change until the most catastrophic event: 4th of July. When the fireworks didn’t go off, it made a believer out of me!

Unfortunately, Fox News refused to acknowledge the truth about climate change. My goodness, I was an 8-year-old psychic. 

But scientists investigated!

And 97% agreed that pollution was the downfall of mankind.

Man took a turn and invented things like environmental policy, solar panels and common sense. Man created things that emitted less CO2.

Good news for those who were worried: Extinct animals returned from the dead. Because, obviously, extinct is only temporary.

Need a map of where you can find condors? Right above Australia’s koalas.

Internet, you are welcome.

Readers, have you found any gems from your youth? How do they compare?

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Julie Hancher is Editor-in-Chief of Green Philly, sharing her expertise of all things sustainable in the city of brotherly love. She enjoys long walks in the park with local beer and greening her travels, cooking & cat, Sir Floofus Drake. View all posts by Julie Hancher